


Never mention their relationship to him again

by orangetree



Category: South Park
Genre: AU Verse, Alternate Universe - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Fusion, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-04 02:31:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16338110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangetree/pseuds/orangetree
Summary: Craig Tucker has erased Kenny McCormick from him memory. Never mention their relationship to him ever again





	Never mention their relationship to him again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [redrocketracer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redrocketracer/gifts).



_Craig Tucker has erased Kenny McCormick from his memory. Please never mention their relationship to him ever again._

Kenny Mccormick cupped his hand around the tip of his cigarette, trying to keep the wind to his back. The first drag was sweet, burning his throat. He heard laughter behind him, everyone relaxing after their last year of high school. Everyone looking forward to college, new beginnings, time away from their families. You can be someone else, you can have a fresh beginning. Who didn’t want that? Who didn’t crave that like the first drag off their cigarette.

Kenny had done everything he wanted to in South Park. He was the boy you went to for a good time. You want someone to listen after the worst day of your life? That would be Kenny. You want someone to drive around with at 3 am? Kenny was up for that. He was up for anything and he wanted to see everything. Do everything. He watched the sliding glass door open. The rush of warmth and laughter spilling out. If you asked anyone from the South Park class of 2015, Annie Knitt’s graduation party was one for the memory.

Craig Tucker stepped out and as if it was deja vu, tried to cup his soft tan hand around the tip of his cigarette, shielding it from the wind.

“Let me.” Kenny rushed forward and blocked the offending breeze for him. Craig Tucker was a memory from elementary school. He was the tallest boy in their class then, growing too fast and ending up at a very average 5’9. Boring end to a thrilling growth spurt. He had dark hair and soft freckled tan skin. He made a pretty picture, but it was his eyes. Huge dark brown eyes with the longest lashes Kenny had ever seen. He blinked them slowly at him, as if he was bringing Kenny into his focus. 

Kenny was the tallest boy in their year, ending up around 6’3. A very thrilling end to a lackluster start. He had golden blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. He was built, nice arms and chest, girls liked that. He had a gap toothed smile that was infectious. He could turn anyone’s bad day around if he tried hard enough. 

“Craig Tucker.” He greeted him with that infectious gap toothed smile. Craig looked over him with those dark eyes, weighing what he saw before answering.

“Kenny McCormick.” He still had that nasal monotone. Change was inevitable, but it was comforting to see some things stayed the same. He took a drag of his menthol cigarette and blew the smoke politely away from Kenny. That was a change, he remembered a Craig that flipped everyone off, actively tried to be disruptive. Craig changed, he was more docile now, he learned how to harness that anger inside of him and turn it into positive energy. He pulled the sleeves of a Nasa sweatshirt that looked at least four sizes too big over his tan hands and it was sweet. Craig looked sweet to Kenny, pretty eyes and curved doll cheeks. He looked like a dream within a dream, like Kenny took too many pills and couldn’t wake up. Or didn’t want to wake up.

“Still not socialising I see.” He looked over at Craig, who just raised a groomed dark eyebrow back at him.

“You’re not much better Kenny, isn’t this your scene?” He mocked him gently. It shocked him when Craig nudged him with a bony shoulder teasing. No menacing stare or flipping him off. Maybe Craig took too many pills and was a dream within a dream. No, that shoulder was warm and real. It was slight and Kenny wondered what it would feel like under his big calloused hands.

They ended up staying out on that cold balcony for at least an hour, catching up like old friends. Kenny hung with the same crew, but it was different. Stan played football and became a vegetarian. Kyle was their valedictorian. He was headed to Brown in the fall. Cartman, well, he seemed to have at least three schemes going at all times. Not much to say about that. Kenny was a shadow. He did everything and nothing at the same time. He had his friends, but valued his alone time. He liked music, but couldn’t play anything. He could take a car apart and put it back together again, restoring his dad’s old truck from the 80s. It looked brand new again, new engine, new coat of paint, cherry red. New sound system. It could go fast, if you liked to go fast. Kenny liked to go fast. He wondered if Craig liked to go fast as well. 

Craig was a mystery to him. He took all AP classes with Kyle, he would see them walking out of some math class that made his head hurt sometimes when he thought about it. He played the viola, one of the only kids to stick with the music program they had in their elementary school. He was still best friends with Clyde, who played football with Stan and was the same sort of sensitive sort. Token, also headed off to an Ivy League school, Dartmouth. Tweek, they broke up in the sixth grade, but continued on as friends. Jimmy, ran the newspaper and MC’ed all the talent shows. Craig hadn’t been single since the seventh grade. Jeff Hammond who played the drums in the music program with him, they went out all through middle school. JP Hanna, who played hockey, ninth through eleventh grade. This past year was a college guy named Tim whom Kenny didn’t know, he drove a red Ford Fiesta and Kenny would see him picking Craig up from school. He took his backpack and his viola from him gently and would place them in the backseat. Craig would climb in through the passenger door and they kissed quickly and chastely. Everyday. 

The window was never open, Craig always belonged to someone else. But that window was open now. He broke it off with Tim, they were headed in different directions. The window was open Kenny, climb through or lose your chance, because he knew someone else would. 

“Hey Tucker.” He looked over at Craig, who was looking up at the night sky. Craig spoke very little and only with purpose. If you didn't have something to say, say nothing. Never fill up space with meaningless words. 

“Yeah?” He looked over at Kenny with those eyes. Fucking christ, those eyes. It should be illegal to have eyes like that. 

“You want to see some stars?” Kenny’s blue eyes met Craig’s brown ones and he felt this pull. This magnetic pull that glided him through the universe. That lead him to this moment in time where he could ask Craig Tucker to look at some stars. Craig nodded and pulled his blue chullo hat over his soft looking black hair. Kenny took his tan hand in his and lead him through the party. Voices jumbled, laughter and the smell of beer. It was a party that you would remember. Kenny didn’t think about that party, all he thought about was the window was open, he had to set aside his fear of rejection and climb through.

Stark's pond was frozen solid. It was June and it was frozen solid like it was January. Kenny held into Craig’s hand as he lead him to the middle of the pond, sliding gently. Laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world, they both slid around. He laid down first, gently easing Craig down on the frozen ground. 

“Look up space cadet.” He folded his arms behind his head and made himself comfortable. There was a million stars. So many stars it looked like the sky was lit from within. So many stars, he saw Craig’s eyes get wider. Craig scooted a little closer to him, wanting his warmth. He folded him into his arms and he could smell his sweet smelling black hair as he laid his head on his shoulder. 

“See that formation of stars right there?” He asked Kenny in his soft monotone voice, as if he would spook the celestial bodies away if he spoke too loudly. “That's Lupus, the wolf. Ursa Minor is to your right. The little bear.” Craig’s eyes lit up and they shone brighter than any ursa could, major or minor. Kenny felt the spark of first attraction. The spark of the beginning, the way electricity crackled in the sky during a summer thunderstorm. During the brush of their skin against each other’s. Anticipation. He rarely anticipated anything good. But this was good. It was too good, he was afraid it was so good. He looked down at Craig Tucker, talking about constellations, like this was all he ever wanted to do in his life. Was lay on the frozen solid ground of Starks pond and talk constellations with an ex classmate. 

He dropped Craig off at his house, it looked different to him now. Craig’s dad owned the local body shop and it was doing much better than it used to. Their house had an add on, the garden in front looked less shabby. Everything looked less shabby and shiny and new. He walked him to the door like a gentleman and that would shock some people. That Kenny McCormick was a gentleman. He was tonight. He put his hand on Craig’s curved doll cheek and stoked over the skin like he was memorizing the panes of his face with his fingertips. He pressed his mouth to his plush pink mouth. The perfect first kiss, soft and chaste and the promise of something more to come. The way Craig’s skinny arms wrapped around the back of his neck and the way he put his hands on his waist. He could feel how thin he was through layers of fabric. His wool duffle coat, his giant Nasa sweatshirt. The way he stepped up on his tiptoes to kiss him, his beat up vans he looked he had since their freshman year. The way he pressed himself just so, just against Kenny’s solid frame. The promise of something more to come.

That summer, he had everything in his grasp. Craig looked over at him from the otherside of the bench of his truck. They had everything they owned in the back of the cab. They were going to Denver. Craig was going to study the stars and he found direction in following him. He was going to work for a mechanic Mr. Tucker knew, gave him the recommendation. 

“Keep my boy safe.” Mr Tucker liked him, would squeeze his shoulder like he was his son. He approved of Kenny like he never did the other ones. Jeff Hammond called Craig a snaggle tooth bitch when he wouldn’t let him put his hands down his skinny jeans in the eighth grade. JP Hanna had a bad habit of treating life like the hockey rink, swinging like a fist fight. Sometimes he swung on Craig too. Tim who never could quite commit to him. A fool who couldn’t commit to Craig Tucker, Kenny would offer him the stars. Offer him stability, offer him a place to come home to and study. Rub his slight shoulders when school was stressful. Surprise him with a new guinea pig, Stripes 6, when he passed all his midterm exams. 

He took his virginity so gently one night, laying Craig down in the bed that his parents bought for their first apartment. A cheap IKEA one that felt like heaven to him. He looked into his dark eyes and touched his perfect tan skin. He opened Craig up with gentle words and gentle fingers and kissed down the worries. It wouldn't hurt, he made sure it didn't hurt and when he heard him whimper and sigh, he knew it was right. It perfect under the glow of the white fairy lights they strung up on their headboard. When he rolled off Craig, he gathered him up in his arms and kissed the top of his head. 

“I want to know everything about you.” Craig told him, tracing over the constellation tattoo on Kenny’s chest. An Aquarius, his zodiac sign, right over his heart. Craig had Kenny’s, Aries, on his right forearm. They got them a month into dating, high on love and not thinking of the consequences. They never thought about the consequences when it came to each other. 

“You will baby in time. I promise you that.” He kissed each of Craig’s knuckles gently. He would tell him of his deaths, someday. But laying there in the afterglow of their first time together, this was not the time. 

Craig took a job in a little pet store near the university to take some of the financial burden off Kenny. Their life was quiet, sweet and peach coloured, like one of the only warm summer nights in South Park. He saw Kenny mulling something over, he could see it written all over his face. They had been together for three years, Craig was nearing the end of his college career and thinking of the next step.

“I want to tell you something baby.” Kenny laced their fingers together and pressed their palms to each other. “I want to tell you everything, just like we talked about.” Craig looked at him with those huge eyes. They took up half his face, he swore they did. They looked so intently at him and he almost couldn’t bear it.

“You know how South Park isn’t like other small towns?” Kenny started slowly and Craig looked nervous. The same nervous look he had on his face his first day of his college classes. The look on his face like when they moved, like when anything new was thrown at him. But it was Kenny and he didn't hurt him. He was protector, his rock. His person. 

“That sounds like a very apt description of South Park.” He was resisting the urge to pull his sweater sleeves over his hands. That was one of his nervous tells. Don't be nervous Craig, this is Kenny. Don't let the fear of what you don't know yet, poison the sweetness of what you’re sure of. 

“I have died so many times love. So many times and I wake up in my bed each time. Like nothing ever happened. No one remembers, I live with it everyday. No one ever remembers seeing me die.” There was anger on the edge of his voice. It seeped through the words he was trying to put forth so calmly. He couldn’t scare him, he couldn’t spook him. He couldn’t rage at him. He wanted to know everything, he knew everything about Craig. Let him peek at the scars on his psyche. Let him know the second biggest part of him. The first was always Craig. Craig was his soul, his heart and his everything.

“Kenny.” He heard the tremble in his voice. The fear seeping in the edges of his words. “I believe you.” He told him gently. He didn't want to believe him, he didn’t want to imagine Kenny dying over and over again. But he knew things in South Park were unexplainable. Things just happened there that couldn’t or wouldn’t happen anywhere else. 

“Please, you’re the only person I want to share this with, I want you to remember me. Let's record it.” He looked at Craig with the slight mania in his eyes. He remembered Kyle telling him how cool it was. How cool it must be to never die. Fucking Kyle. Fuck Kyle and Stan. How could they not remember this? Not remember him leaving them like that? Fuck them all, they never understood him. Craig understood him, they were one. He would never leave Craig. He would never leave him willingly. He had to know that, he had to show him that. He had to make him understand this part of him. He was bitter, bitter than he meant so little to them. 

“Are you sure?” Craig didn't look sure. He looked scared, like his world had became very unfamiliar. Craig didn't like unfamiliar, he liked order and routine. He liked coming home from class or his little part time job and having dinner with Kenny. Or studying at his IKEA desk and Kenny bringing him hot chocolate and rubbing his slight shoulders. He liked when they made slow love all Saturday afternoon and ate pizza in bed. He liked their routines, their little life they had built. This was new and so foreign and large. He was scared to his core, it radiated from the center of his being outwards. But he would do it for Kenny. He would do anything for Kenny and make him happy. He wanted so badly to make him happier than he had made Jeff or JP or Tim. 

“Come on baby, let's do it.” Kenny pulled his soft tan hand towards his mouth and kissed it gently. “I’ll be right here with you.” He would in a sense, he would be right here with him. He wouldn’t leave his side the rest of the day, his arm around him. He pulled him in his lap and kissed over his worried face. They had to wait until it was dark, so no one would call the police. He couldn’t have that. 

“Are you ready babe?” He stood on the railing of their balcony and looked over his shoulder at Craig, nervously holding his Iphone in front of his face. Craig’s face was unreadable and it hadn’t been unreadable since they had started dating. His hands were shaking and his body trembled gently. Craig didn’t acknowledge this, but Kenny noticed it. He just nodded at him and hit the record button on his phone. Kenny felt a wobble as he made his mind up, he spread his arms out like he was flying and jumped from their fifth story balcony. He felt the rush of the wind in his face, the way it felt to fly for a moment. Then everything came into focus, the pavement, how it felt when his body smashed into it. The blackness of nothing, just black nothing. It was over, the peacefulness of nothingness.

He woke up the next day in his bed, Craig’s bony back to him. He had to work, slipped out without waking him. Everything felt like the same, nothing in his world had changed. Craig still slept next to him, Craig was still here.

Craig opened his dark eyes and reached for Kenny. He had the earliest shift at the autobody shop, that wasn’t out of the ordinary for a Wednesday. He looked over at his phone and saw he had recorded something. That wasn’t out of the ordinary either. He curled up under the weighted blanket Kenny got for him, supposedly it helped with anxiety. Kenny was thoughtful like that, he appreciated that about him. He was the best boyfriend he ever had, he didn't think he could love someone like that. He was the product of divorce, infidelity and hurt. His mother crying over her wine, why didn't Thomas love her? He was a good dad though, that had to be said. Thomas Tucker loved his children. Craig wasn’t even his, but he loved him so much. It scared him how easily people fell out of love. He was scared one day Kenny would fall out of love with him, wake up and everything would be different. 

He watched the video he recorded last night, Kenny standing on the edge of the balcony, Kenny diving off like he was swan diving into a swimming pool. Kenny hit the pavement, Kenny’s face smashed open and bloody. Kenny was dead. His Kenny was on the pavement like a forgotten animal on the side of the road. He felt sick, his felt his mouth fill with warm spit, he shot out of bed and made a mad dash to the bathroom. He emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet and fell to his knees. He laid there on the bathroom floor for what felt like hours. Crying on and off, trying to make sense of what he saw. He didn't understand it, how was it real? He was in bed next to Kenny this morning. His warmth was still clinging to the sheets. He could smell his cologne. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Kenny noticed him slipping away. He stayed in bed too long, he told him he didn't have classes on the days he did. He knew Craig’s schedule better than his own. Craig liked order, he woke up at the same time everyday, took the same route to school. He knew everything about Craig. But this Craig was foreign to him. He stayed in bed all day, he could hear him crying on and off. He would get up like a ghost, silently to grab his headphones or another blanket. He wouldn’t shower, he wouldn’t eat. Dishes piled up on their dresser, food crusted to them. He tried everything to get his baby back. He didn't know this stranger, this ghost of a person he once knew. 

All Craig could see was Kenny dying in one form or another. A car falls off a jack and smashes him. He chokes on a piece of popcorn. Drinks too much and gets in a car accident. Everything they did together, all he could see is Kenny dying. He couldn’t close his eyes without losing Kenny. It affected everything he did, he had to get out of there. His grief was suffocating him, he couldn’t breathe in this space. He just needed to get out.

“I think I need some space.” He told him dully one day. “I'm going to stay with Jimmy, Tweek and Clyde, just to clear my head.” He promised him. Kenny reached for him before he left, just wanted to put his hands on him. Touch his soft skin, his hair, kiss his mouth. He gently shrugged off his touch and got into the little car Kenny fixed up for him. Clyde, Tweek and Jimmy lived in a little walk up apartment just outside of the college. It was exactly the sort of place three twenty year olds would live in. Posters of Gigi Hadid in a bathing suit on the walls, a pyramid of beer cans in their living room. Coffee cups in the sink and homework strewn over the tables and desks. Craig came in with blank dark eyes and crawled into bed with Clyde. He felt his chubby arms wrap around his skinny waist and pull him close.

“Whatever this is, it will pass, I promise you.” He ran his fingers through Craig’s black hair as he cried onto his chest. 

Kenny gave him his space, he didn’t text him. He didn’t stalk his instagram or snapchat. He didn’t haunt the university, he knew his schedule. He ran into Jimmy with his girlfriend one day at the grocery store, but he was polite, made good small talk. He let Craig grieve in his own manner, he needed time, he gave him time.

It was weeks, he missed him. He would ran his fingers over the blank space where he slept, he refused to wash the sheets. He swore he could still smell him there. He had to see him, just a glance of him. He was working at the pet shop, feeding the hamsters. He had to go in, he felt his legs moving towards him. He was autopilot, he had to see his baby. 

“Hey.” He greeted him with his hands in the pockets of his Dickies jacket. Somethings you just take with you, the working class fashions of Dickies and Carhartt from South Park.

“Hello sir, how may I help you?” He asked him in his nasally monotone. He looked at him like he was any other customer. Someone who needed hamster pellets or cat toys. He thought this was a joke, maybe he this was his way of lightening the situation. He opened his mouth to say anything, tell him how much he loved him, please come home. He needed him. He was going to say all that when a man walked up. He looked vaguely familiar, he swore he had seen him before. He was taller than Craig, not as tall nor as built as he was. He had brown hair, the sort of plain face that you would forget. He leaned over the counter and kissed Craig’s cheek gently.

“Come on baby, clock out and we’ll go to dinner.” He ran his hands up and down Craig’s thin arms. Kenny looked at Craig flabbergasted, who the hell was this guy? Why was he calling him baby? HE called Craig baby, he took Craig to dinner. He rubbed his arms up and down Craig’s arms. 

“I'm off for the day, if you need any help sir, Molly can help you.” Craig told him politely motioning towards a bored looking teenage girl looking at her phone instead of manning the register. He watched Craig grab his navy blue duffle coat and walk out the door holding hands with this stranger. He needed answers. He needed to understand.

He found himself in front of Clyde, Tweek and Jimmy’s door. Craig had been staying with them, they would be able to provide insight on what the hell was going on. Clyde looked like he had just been shaken awake when he answered the door. 

“Hey dude, come on in.” He left the door open behind him as he lead Kenny into the messy apartment. Jimmy and Tweek were on the couch playing a first person shooter video game. Clyde grabbed four beers from the fridge and offered one to the other three men.

“We want you to know Kenny, that while we ultimately support Craig, we still like you.” Jimmy told him without looking up from the game. “But we do have something to show you.” Clyde grabbed the little card from their overflowing pile of mail. Simple black text on a white background.

“Craig Tucker has had Kenny McCormick erased from his memory. Never mention their relationship to him ever again.” The back of the card had a company name, Cire corp. Kenny turned the card over and over his hand for a moment. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He gave the card back to Clyde and laughed mirthlessly. Fuck this. Craig had him erased? He could erase Craig too. He could erase Craig’s dark eyes, his quiet nature. His smile, the little overbite and pointed canine teeth. The way he still flipped him off when they were teasing each other. He could erase their first kiss, first time, first steps they took in their own place. If that’s what he wanted to do, he could do it too. Forget everything about him. 

Cire corp was a small nondescript brick building halfway between Denver and South Park. The receptionist up front gave him some forms to sign, liability forms, that sort of thing. He was lead down a hallway that didn’t have any pictures on the wall, nothing to set it apart from any other architectural structure. 

“Hello Mr. McCormick.” He recognised the nurse’s(?) voice. He turned around and was face to face with Heidi Turner. She looked exactly the same, except she was dressed in an all white uniform. She looked nondescript too. “He’ll see you now.” She lead him into an exam room.

“Kenny McCormick!” He heard as he walked in. “It seems like you South Park dipshits have a lot to forget.” Cartman was sitting at a desk with a shit eating grin on his chubby face. This was one of his great ideas, take away people’s bad memories. It wasn’t the worst idea he had ever had honestly. 

“What the fuck are you doing here fatass?” He asked him curious. Eric Cartman, the boy who was too lazy to do any sort of homework, anything extra. Owned a successful company, that was apparently used by Craig to forget him. Jesus Christ, if this wasn’t the strangest thing he had ever experienced, he didn't know what was.

“I own this company, Heidi helped me work out all that science bullshit. She’s still the smartest person I've ever known. I mean, what the fuck right?” He told him smirking. “So I'm going to guess you want to forget Tucker?” He pointed to a canister with the name Craig Tucker on it. All of Craig’s memories concerning him. He wanted to rip it off the shelf, find Craig and force them back into his beautiful fucking brain. But he didn’t do that, he just listened to Cartman as he went over the procedure, which thankfully, Heidi performed. Dear god, he wanted him nowhere near his head.

“Are you sure you want to do this Kenny?” She asked him as she set up the machine for him. “Just be sure you really want to forget him Kenny.” She was hesitant. She thought they were good for each other, she gave Craig this same speech.

“Yeah, lets just get this over with it.” He sighed as they started the process. He saw so many things.

Craig and him making that stupid video for that stupid AV club they had at South Park. “Close ups of Animals with a Wide Angle lens.” The way Craig struggled with the camera. He never could quite get the angle right.

“Dude, come on.” Kenny took adjusted his stance and Craig shot him an absolutely murderous look and flipped him off. But the angle worked, the animals looked much cuter like that. Like everyone’s bad Myspace photos. Shot from above, the best angle for a photo. He walked around Craig’s neighbourhood with him, shooting dogs and cats, ending with Craig’s guinea pig Stripes. The way Craig lit up when they watched it, Stripes in his lap. The way Craig made things seems cozier, safer. Craig liked things slow, nice and boring. They started hanging around each other more after that.

“Im Craig’s partner.” He told Cartman, clutching Craig’s soft tan hand in his. They walked around that stupid pioneer village all day, him working up the nerve to squeeze his hand a little. The whole thing ended sort of badly, the heist or whatever the fuck that was. But for a moment, it was one of his favourite memories from elementary school. He should have squeezed Craig’s hand more. He wished he had held his hand more when they were kids, watching cartoons. Colouring with Craig’s sister Tricia and his sister Karen. For a while, he split his time between his own group and Craig and his sister. Their mom was so sweet, giving them plates of apple slices with peanut butter, letting them stay for dinner. Sometimes she would braid Karen’s hair and put real ribbons at the end. She would give them leftovers to take home too, home cooked favourites like spaghetti and meatballs, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. It was so good, he would eat just a little at a time to keep it longer. 

Peru. God damn Peru. The hurt look on Craig’s face when Kenny got him into this. He knew he agreed because of him, he liked Kenny. He liked their low key friendship. But in that moment, Craig treated him like everyone else. He wasn’t his friend, he was part of Stan and those guys. They tricked him out of his birthday money, they got him in trouble. Craig only liked a little trouble. Like flipping off Mr. Mackey or pushing some weird kid down. Not an international incident sort of trouble.

“This is why no one likes hanging out with you guys.” He glared over at them and Kenny felt he was talking right to him. He hated Craig in that moment. Fuck Craig Tucker, who thought he was better than them. Uppity snotty brat. He wasn’t that quick witted, he wasn’t that well liked either. He looked over at him and he saw Craig narrow his giant doll eyes at him and twist his face into a frown.

“I fucking hate Craig.” He told his friends bitterly. He hated Craig for at least a moment after that. He hated him when he saw Tweek fucking Tweak pushing Craig on the merry go round. He hated him when he sat next to him at lunch sometimes and wordlessly pushed his extra fruit leather at him. Well, maybe he hated him a little less then. But more than hating him, he missed him. He missed their quiet moments, he missed them coloring. He missed them playing spaceman and alien. He was the alien who chased Craig over his backyard in that stupid spaceman outfit. Craig’s mom made him an alien hat out of googly eyes and seafoam green felt. He still had it in his room, he would put it on and pretend to be flying sometimes. He missed Craig’s mom taking them to the park and cheering them on when they swung too high. He missed the quiet of Craig’s house, it always smelled like vanilla and his room was so neat and clean. All his toys had their place and he could play with whatever he wanted to. Not like at Cartman’s, where he could only play with whatever scraps he didn’t want. He never worried about dying, of getting hurt. Craig’s house was quiet and safe. They started speaking again right before Craig’s dad left. Craig holding his hand as his father packed a bag and left. Kenny was spending the night and he heard Craig’s mom asking Craig’s dad to leave. Just softly, no real drama. Craig burrowed under the star printed sheets on his twin bed and clutched his hand.

“I'm scared.” He told him in that monotone voice, but there was fear creeping in the edges of his words. “Everything is going to change.” Craig did not like change, he didn't like when someone threw his routine out of order. Kenny just clutched his hand and tried to make this moment just a little better. A little more familiar. He was there, that's all Craig needed. The next day at school Craig brought him a little tin of his mom’s homemade chocolate chip cookies to thank him for being there.

 

Everything was going good when Tweek happened. He seemingly liked Craig’s cookies too, drew pictures with him. They played together like Kenny and Craig played together. They took pictures of Stripe, they made cookies with Craig’s mom. Tweek drew Craig a picture of a guinea pig wearing a spacesuit for Valentine’s day and he saw them holding hands after that. It made his face red and his chest tighten. 

“So you’re like going out with Tweek now?” He asked Craig as he passed him the blue crayon. Craig would colour everyone’s hair blue in his Red Racer colouring book, it was so endearing and stupid and weird. Kinda like Craig himself.

“I guess, we hold hands a lot.” He told him shrugging. “He said we were. He seems to know what he’s doing well enough.” He didn’t say anything after that about it. Kenny wished Tweek would puke in his face like Stan did to Wendy. He wished he could hold Craig’s hand. He was confused and angry and he didn’t understand this new feeling. He hated it and he hated Tweek Tweak right now. He hated Tweek when he came over one day and saw Tweek thrusting a bouquet of Craig’s mom’s violets at Craig, who was confused and endeared. He hated Tweek in sixth grade when he saw them kiss at Bebe’s birthday party. They were playing spin the bottle and Tweek spinned and it landed on Craig. They were both red faced, it was their first kiss and it happened in front of everyone. He hated Tweek when he saw them kiss later when they thought no one was looking. He hated Tweek when he saw him holding Craig’s hand as they got into Craig’s mom car to take them home. He hated Tweek and he had weird feelings towards Craig and he hated everything about both of these things.

The memories of Craig kept coming, he could see everything. The look on Craig’s face when Tweek decided the summer before seventh grade he wanted to date Sally Turner instead. He didn't say much, but he never said much. They just sat in silence and watched Red Racer while Craig silently grieved. He wanted to tell him that this wasn’t his fault, people grew apart. This could be good, meet someone new in middle school. They had kids from North Park too, it could be exciting. He spent that entire summer dividing his time between Craig and his old friends. He was nervous about middle school, even if he wouldn’t say that. New kids, new cliques. He worried he would become a shadow. 

He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment Craig drifted away, but he could see where the divide started. Craig was in the accelerated path in middle school. Classes with people like Kyle, Token, Heidi and Wendy. He was in the world’s most awkward carpool with Stan, Kyle and his cousin Red. He told him over shared menthol cigarettes after school they never spoke, everyone choosing to look out their respective windows and counting down the moments until this torturous car ride was over. The one time Kenny saw them actually walking together, Stan was carrying Craig’s diorama for his accelerated english 7 class. It was on the book “A Separate Piece.” Craig carried his viola, his lunch box and his backpack was awkwardly placed on his back. His hands full, Stan was just being a good guy like he normally was.

“Hey Stan think fast.” Cartman was tossing Butter’s Batman lunch box at Stan, playing keep away because he was a dick. Stan didn’t think fast and Kenny watched the lunchbox smash into the diorama. It moved like it was in slow motion. The diorama falling out of Stan’s hands and smashing onto the ground. Craig diving for it, Stan trying to catch it. Kyle and Butters looking wide eyed and shocked this even transpired. Cartman was laughing of course and Kenny looked so awkward. He didn’t mean to laugh. It was just such a nervous reaction and it was a little funny to watch everyone scramble. It wasn’t funny Craig’s work was ruined.

“Fuck you fatass, I worked on that for almost a month.” Craig was so angry he lobbed his own blue lunch box at Cartman’s face. He was still laughing, ducking and watching it smash against the locker, sending his food tumbling out over the hallway.

“Piss off Craig, it's just a school project, glue it back together and stop your whining.” Cartman kicked Craig’s lunch box back towards him. Craig reached for the remains of his english project and the weight of his backpack sent him toppling over in the hallway and dropping his viola case. “Fucking crybaby bitch.” Cartman stage whispered to him, laughing at his awkward fall.

“Your group ruins everything!” He fumed. “Are you fucking laughing Kenny? Well fuck you too.” He stomped down the hallway and Kenny felt bad for a moment. He looked over at Cartman and now Stan who was trying not to chuckle in front of him. Kyle had long ducked into their homeroom away from this drama. He tried to apologise to Craig later that day but all he received with a middle finger to the face and a withering look. Craig barely talked to him after that and once he started going out with Jeff Hammond, he was too busy to talk to him at all.

Kenny frowned at the memory, he had forgotten about that. The drama of your middle school years seemed so miniscule compared to now. He saw Craig so sparingly in those days, mostly when it was someone’s birthday party or someone received a new video game they all gathered around to play. The last real middle school memory he had of him was watching him play the viola in the school orchestra. Their entire school went to the auditorium to watch the music program’s “Winter concert,” the new PC name they gave to the Christmas concert. Kids playing awkward covers of Sleigh Bells and O Holy Night. Craig was first chair, finally beating out Lola after three long years of playing. He remembered how focused he seemed, even know, he remembered every song and he swore he could pick out the sounds of that viola.

He saw them in high school, sitting next to each other at lunch for the first time in three years. Craig was picking at a lentil salad his mom made for him, Craig picked at lots of things. He was so thin and so uninterested in most things. He felt a nudge of a bony elbow in his side, he looked over at Craig. He felt fruit leather being pushed to him and caught Craig’s dark eyes. He actually gave him a little closed mouth smile, pretty pink plush lips and Kenny felt his chest ache. That hadn’t changed it seemed. All these memories of Craig were melding together, Craig’s nasal snorting laugh. He loved it, it was the ugliest sound in the world, but he loved it. Craig holding hands with JP Hanna in the hallways, pushing his varsity jacket back at him. Craig was no one’s property. Craig on the edge of his life, attending parties here or there or sitting at his table at lunch. Craig was never his friend again like he once was and Kenny felt that same mourning pit in his stomach as he did then. Reliving all this, the bad memories, where he lost him to Tweek or the look on his face when Cartman broke his school project. The good ones, them reconnecting at Annie’s party. Craig telling him he loved him for the first time. How it felt to hear someone say it. Kenny had never really had a truly serious relationship. He didn’t think he was unlovable. But how do you love someone when your heart half belonged to someone else?

He remembered someone. He saw them in his memories. Craig’s new boyfriend. He was there. He went to their high school, their elementary school even. Jason sometimes. Jason White? His dad was one of the few people who supported President Garrison. He had been there this whole time, hiding in plain sight. How did he not know this man? He was that nondescript he hid in his memories. He was there at Annie’s party when he met Craig. He was there at the winter concert, at his lunch table. He was there at the clinic too, he saw him in one of the rooms, organizing memories. He was there the entire time. How did this little detail escape him when they met in the pet shop?

Craig was listening to Jason tell Clyde, Tweek and Jimmy how they had met. It was at a party, a college party. Craig had trouble lighting his cigarette and he swooped in and cupped his hand around the flame for him. Craig felt something as he listened to this story, why was it familiar? He knew it happened, he remembered it happening. But it felt like it happened so long ago. Sometimes he felt he was experiencing things over and over again. He went outside to have a cigarette and Jason came out there to join him. He barely got a break from him. He felt him put his hand on his cheek, gently tracing over his cheek, as if he was memorizing the panes of his face. Everything seemed so familiar and it was upsetting him for some reason. What was missing from his life? Who was missing from his life? Why couldn’t he find contentment in a new relationship?

Kenny was outside on the balcony having a cigarette during Annie Knitt’s graduation party. He was just about to go back inside when he saw Craig Tucker come out to have a smoke. He had the largest, darkest eyes he had ever seen. Long dark lashes and Kenny would live and die by those eyes. He cupped his hand around Craig’s cigarette, shielding him from the offending June breeze. Their eyes met and he felt like the world was opening up like a flower in bloom. Everything was here. Everything was laid in front of him. Craig leaned in to whisper in his ear. 

“Meet me at Stark’s pond.” He told him softly and then he was gone. He looked around and he was gone. Everything started going in and out after that. Nothing seemed real, he didn’t know if he wanted this. Craig was in all his memories. Craig was there every time he died, he was there every time he woke up. He could see him in moments he knew he wasn’t there. He could see him with his iphone, filming him die. That was the moment it happened. The moment Craig started to slip away. He saw it all happening, he just never put the pieces together. Craig couldn’t have another person leave his life. His parents were divorced. Each boy he dated broke his heart in their own way. Tweek and him grew apart, it was an elementary school relationship, it wasn’t meant to last. Jeff wanted too much too fast and it scared him. He wasn’t ready for a physical relationship at thirteen. JP didn't know how to handle someone like Craig. He was moody and independent, he didn’t want to belong to someone. The last boy he dated before Kenny, he wanted a high school student who acted like an adult. Craig wasn’t an adult, he was a kid and deserved to be treated like a kid. Just have fun and be young. He didn't want to grow up too fast. Kenny saw all that now. Kenny could see how filming his death hurt him. Made him paranoid and depressed. He added to that, another layer of loss. His dad, the various boyfriends who had come before. Little pearls of something slipping through his fingers until they were gone.

“Holy fuck, Heidi, I don't want to do this anymore.” He murmured. She looked over at him and she saw his memories were almost gone, this was almost done. His mind would be clear for the first time since Craig walked out. But he knew what he needed to do now, he had to make things right in his own accord. He wanted her to stop but soon Craig started to fade out. He was a distant thought, a dream within a dream. He was fading away, He was losing something he forgot he even had in the end. 

Craig was so confused. Everything felt like something he had done before, someone he had met before. He looked over at Jason, who gave him a real smile. But he didn’t return it. Jason called him baby, Jason took him to look at the stars. Jason kissed the knuckles on his hands and told him everything. He wanted him to know everything about him. Craig would look up at the ceiling at night, he couldn’t fall asleep. Why did this feel so familiar? He saw a gap toothed smile. Heard the purr of an engine. He heard laughter and he felt someone kiss his knuckles. A middle finger teasingly returned. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Jason murmured in his sleep. Craig didn't know what was wrong, he just knew he was missing something very important from his life. 

“I don't know, I think I need to take a walk and clear my head.” He was pulling on his big navy blue hoodie and slipping his feet into his moccasin slippers. He walked around their quaint little neighbourhood. He walked to the park and he sat for a spell. He sat and looked up at the sky. You couldn’t see the stars that well in Denver, not like back home in South Park. South Park, at the pond. He remembered looking at the stars, he remembered the warmth of another person, telling them about the constellations. He remembered the way their hands felt on his waist, the sweet goodnight kiss they had. It was Jason right? No, it wasn’t Jason, but that was the story he heard. He saw a flash of blue, sky blue, like a warm clear day. Orange, he saw the colour orange. He looked down at his arm and pushed his sleeve up. This all meant something, the tattoo on his right arm. The blue, the orange, the tattoo. It wasn’t Jason, it was someone else, it was someone from his past.

“Meet me at Stark’s pond.” He heard himself whisper it, he knew he had said that. He had to get to Stark’s pond. That was something, that was everything. He felt himself reach into his hoodie pocket for his cigarettes, but he felt his car keys instead. Get to Stark’s pond Craig, something is waiting for you there.

The drive home felt like it took hours, months, years. The radio was quiet, his thoughts were loud enough to drown out the sound of the Maroon 5 song he heard for the hundredth time that day. Have to get to Stark’s pond, have to find what was waiting for him. It seemed like the most important task he would ever do. He had to find it? Him? What? It was something.

Kenny felt the pull of South Park. The way it drew you back, kept you there. Stark's Pond, why did that seem so important. His truck parked near the edge of the pond, he looked out at the vast, frozen body of water. It was frozen solid, South Park only had one real month of summer. He saw flashing lights, someone else was parking too. A figure in the distance, in blue. Navy blue hoodie, blue striped pajama pants. They had a familiar blue chullo hat on their head. The magnetic pull of something drew him close, drew them close. He stood face to face with Craig Tucker. He had huge brown eyes framed by long dark lashes. They kissed his tan cheeks and he looked up at him through them.

“Hi.” He greeted this person, this beacon in blue. He didn’t know how he knew them, he just felt it in his bones. This was where he was supposed to be. Standing in front of Craig Tucker. He reached for his hands and they walked to the middle of the pond. They laid down, side by side, looking up at the stars.

“I know you.” Craig said as he glanced over at him. Kenny turned to face him, this face he had seen somewhere before, a dream within a dream. An unknowable force of nature that drew him close to him, colliding like they were two celestial bodies, it was all inevitable. You can erase the bad, you can erase the good. But you can’t erase that was meant to be. They were destined to find their way back here, in the middle of a frozen pond, in this little unescapable town.

“Look up space cadet, tell me about those constellations.” Kenny pointed to the formation of stars swirling above them. He listened as Craig’s soft nasal monotone talked about the sky. This is where he was meant to be. His mind clear for the first time in months.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I wrote for a friend. I hope she enjoys it.


End file.
